I don’t mean to cuss, but I just came back from a fucking evening of note! Some good guys have opened a new club called Vegas Room. Oh, ok, I see what you’ve done. It’s like VEGAS. Ohhhh, VEEEGAS. Crazy mental! Is that what you want from us? Do you want us to go crazy? Aaaargh!! I’m crazy! Hold me down! I’m a fucking lunatic!

[insert 6 hours of sleep here]

So the owners of Vegas Room made us feel special by giving us a 6-seater booth for the launch party on Saturday night. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? I said they gave us a BOOTH. God that feels good! I’m so stoked my arse is happier in a booth than other people’s arses at normal tables. Thangyaverymuch.

So I never quite got the brief, but Vegas pumps very nicely for you. It’s at 98 Long Street (The same venue as the Dirty Skirts album launch coming up on Wednesday) and is probably the same size as Eclipse. The idea is for comedy acts and God knows what else to do their thing on the stage and then for everything to be cleared away to make way for a party. The shareholders include Sox from Caprice so you’ll struggle to get off the dance floor. Last night was no exception. Angels were seen pumping their hands towards the roof shouting (in unison) key-party-phrases like ‘Pump it up some more’. Is that not what it’s all about?

The evening was introduced and hosted by comedian Cokey Falkow, who is also involved in the club. Finding good comedy is a bit of a task these days. I don’t have an expert’s knowledge of Cape Town comedy, but I think it would be absolutely fine if you physically pissed yourself watching Cokey. The mess created from peeing yourself would probably be fine with your fellow patrons. They realize how hard it is to watch this guy and restrain yourself from having the best laugh of all – the one where you pee yourself. The guy has it spot-on. Jesus, Cokey! When you have a hamster in your head than runs on its wheel at 300 revolutions a second – you certainly don’t have to plan your stand up act. That’s why he doesn’t. And that’s probably why it’s so fucking funny! Cokey, you’re good.

The second guy, somebody Taylor from some TV show was pretty funny. He was followed by the fat white guy from Plumstead who brought a good chuckle – but the LAST act, Bevan Cullinan, can only be described as completely HYSTERICAL! At one stage he described someone’s hair as a ‘Recently Sodamised Badger’. I can’t hold in any amount of pee when stuff like that is being thrown around. At the end of the show he did a dance to Queen’s ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ that was completely and utterly off the charts. It would do it great injustice to try and explain it. Either you’ve seen it or you haven’t. Personally, I’d pay money to a get a video clip which can play it on repeat on a plasma screen at home until I die. Thank God it was the last act because you couldn’t end on a better note.

Non-booth tables and chairs were removed to open up the dance floor and, after Rizla was finally outsourced (An ‘A+’ for service – a rarity in this town), some funk-ass tunes sailed through the air. Teasing us. Wooing us to the dance floor. ‘Come to me’, the dance floor said. After seven rounds of tequilas with our GORGEOUS angel waitress (They let them drink. We’re all adults here), we were more than ready to pull some intoxicating dance moves. Do those little angels on the dance floor want a piece of me? You’re fucking right they do. The girls knew the only option was to feed off me. They did, and let’s face it, it worked out for everyone. I’ll conceptualize our dance moves for this song. I want you to see what I’m doing, and feed off me. That’s it. Feed. And feed. Good.

Two paragraphs have now ended with the word ‘good’. Is that bad?

Mother of God, I just remembered that Caprice’s Dave was breakdancing – I shit you not. Read that sentence again. Visualize it. He’s pretty good as well. Interesting. So that’s Dave’s thing. He throws out some signature breakdancing moves. Everyone has to have their own secret signature. Daves is breakdancing. It’s different. It’s good. I like it.

“Isn’t that the guy we saw breakdancing the other night?”.

“Yes, I’ve heard about that breakdancing guy”.

Vegas Room is tailor made for top quality mayhem. There really is nothing better than pissing (there is now, officially, too much pee on this page) yourself with laughter for an hour and hitting the dance floor afterwards. It is a fact that laughter makes the angels feel sexy. So in this case they laugh their heads off, drink Red Bull, tequila, vodka, wine, digest God knows what else and THEN they hit the dance floor. What a pleasure! Say it like some of your friends’ fathers used to say it.

“What a PLEASURE”.

Or they’d throw in an ‘Aaaayyyyy’ beforehand.

Like, “So John, I believe you visited the new Shambokkie game Reserve. How was it?”

“Aaaaayyyyyyy, WHAT A PLEASURE!”

Thanks guys. Give me more.