We would like to now take this opportunity to give a big WAKE UP to Tuscany Beach Restaurant in Camps Bay. Yes, the restaurant next to Caprice. Yes, the one that looks, from the outside, like it could be a bit of fun. Upon closer inspection you’ll find the restaurant is as appealing as my mouse pad. So, Tuscany Beach Management, have a good listen and jack yourselves up.

I thought my memory was failing me when another friend moaned about Tuscany Beach and I told him I was charged R30 for a glass of wine a while back. Some friends and I decided to give it another chance the other day for lunch and see what exactly went on there. Well…. I tell you….

Our waiter, who looked very much like he was going cold turkey off some drug was our first find of the day. We were told the specials were quite extraordinary and we needed to listen. We did. Whatever-his-name-was said there is an AWESOME SEAFOOD SPECIAL.

“WELL, I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, THIS IS AMAZING….YOU CAN NOW ORDER 8 PRAWNS FOR ONLY Rxxxx. THEY ARE USUALLY Rxxxx AND THAT MEANS YOU’RE IN FOR A 40% SAVING. BRILLIANT!! IT REALLY IS QUITE INCREDIBLE”

Those were his words. Wierd.

I was expecting him to tell us we could have a free oyster if we order in the next ten minutes. Selling food like an infomercial is not normal. I looked at the wine menu and noticed some of the wines by the glass were less than R30. So either I was dreaming, or they had dropped their prices, or they bring the expensive wine if you don’t specified. It turns out to be the latter as a very good friend informed me that her daughter was horrified a couple of weeks ago when they charged her R30 for a glass of wine. More R30 glass of wine stories have appeared since we first came across the revelation.

A friend was looking for something light to eat and after puzzling with the waiter for half an hour the waieter RELUCTANTLY brought out ANOTHER menu which had lighter (and, it just so happens, cheaper) meals on it.

I’m not going to go into the fact that all our meals were crap as I’m sure you are starting to realise that that goes without saying. But I must just mention that the noise from the Waiters’ horseplay in and around the bar was above irritating – all being watched by the manager who was slouched over a corner table next to the till, looking SO bored and SO over it. So much so it put me off my food – which was shit anyway.

Who do you think you are, Tuscany Beach? Take a leaf out of your neighbour’s books – Caprice and Bayside Cafe. Stop rating yourself and try to make the most of your insane location. Stop ripping people off, in particular the locals. WE WILL EAT YOU ALIVE. Get some proper waiters and get a decent chef in and humble yourselves a bit.

Pathetic.